I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
