take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
