If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I have tasted many bathrooms
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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