o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
