I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
This is my gift to your gina
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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