My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
