if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
