The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
