Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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