Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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