I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
