Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i think my tv is drunk
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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