just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
