By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
