one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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