my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
high people should be assigned attendants
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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