so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
