I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
