New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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