Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
