why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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