Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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