Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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