so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
