Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
