I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
