happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Michael Bay diarrhea
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
