Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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