The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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