I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
