There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I need a beard to bite.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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