I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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