She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
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