New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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