Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
