Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
