my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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