I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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