I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think i got beer on your cat.
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