Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
