at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
that's an acceptable place to lick
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
