Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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