we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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