WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just blew my weed a kiss
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
