so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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