I want you more than these girls want KFC
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
