hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Randomize
