Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
