You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
