We named our party play list daddy issues
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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