I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
