New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
