You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
